Deaf Brown Gurl

This poem was originally called D.E.A.F (Deep Enigmatic Audist Force) and then revised and re-named Deaf Brown Gurl. I have performed this poem at Pride STL (2013), The Haberdashery Revue (2013), Subcontinental Drift (2014), amongst a few other places. This poem also appears in The Deaf Experience (2014), an anthology of deaf poetry, essays and stories, curated and edited by Michelle Jay.

Deaf Brown Gurl 
written and performed by Sabina England

blackness
stillness
nothing
in the air
world quiet

everywhere, streets bursting full
of people walking, running, talking
voices echoing across
singing, joking, laughing
their sounds
whirl around
noisy
chaotic
laughter
music
dancing
noises reverberating
through the space
their sounds
become motionless
meaningless
the world
stands still.

silence.

my ears empty
darkness in the canals
void reality
people scream
laugh, joke, sing
i remain untouched.
i can’t understand,
desperate to communicate.

i’m here,
but i’m not here.
i exist,
but i don’t exist.
alone in the world
i stare out at people
i can’t join in
because i can’t understand.
i don’t fit in anywhere
people ignore me,

but
they stare, i know it
i feel them,
their eyeballs penetrating my soul.
i never know
if they wanna stare
the hearing aids in my ears
or to watch me
moving my hands to convey sign language
or do they stare
becuz my family is covered up
in Indian clothes
with saree and bindi
our family
eating Indian food with our hands
they stare at us
as if we are
fucking monkeys!

they must think
i’m
a
freak,
too
different.

deaf
brown
exotic
foreign
Muslim
terrorist!
not white
not hearing
not American
not Christian.

im so different
i feel ashamed.

when people talked to me,
they treated me like shit,
talkin down to me
as if im a little, stupid child.
the way they treated me
made
me
hate
myself

i just wanna be normal
be able to hear, talk, laugh, sing
blend in with everyone
make myself known to people
communicate easy, no problem
i’m tired of standing out from the crowd
i’m tired of people staring at me
tired of them asking stupid questions
about my culture, my deafness, my religion.
i just wanna be normal.

billions of humans
on this planet,
many different cultures, languages, tribes,
but still
i’m so alone
so different.

so different...
yeah...
i’m different...
yeah...
yeah!

hey!

you know what?
it doesn’t matter.
i can’t change who i am.
im deaf
brown
foreign.
so what?

yeah...
im different....
yeah...
im unique....
i have many cultures
languages
traditions
different ways
to express my soul.

deaf
Indian
Muslim
brown
beautiful.
proud....

yeah...
im different...
yeah...
i’m damn proud!

((raises fist in the air))